Later this month everyone i did my post grad with are coming to Leicester to celebrate xmas and have a quasi-reunion. And i have done a million and one things to try and get out of it. Trust is, i really want to go. But i'm scared.
Everyone with even the tiniest hint of self-loathing/insecurity/zero confidence has the same feelings about a reunion. It's going to be an opportunity for the ones that made something for themselves to show and tell everyone how oh-so rich/happy/successful/in love they are and how everyone should bow down to them and worship. I've worked in bars for a long time and i'm used to the stigma we often get (bartenders are stupid, can't get proper jobs, can't deal with 9 to 5's, dropped out of uni, they're lazy blah blah blah) and i can't be bothered to endure the same sympathetic 'oh poor you' looks i expect to get when i say yes, i'm still working at a bar.
Earlier this year i was offered a trial at a news agency in Birmingham. A dream job and the potential to really break into magazines and make a name of myself. And i couldn't face it. A few months ago i was put forward for another dream job working for a fashion PR company in Leicester, and once again i couldn't go. I couldn't make myself answer my consultants calls or emails. I froze up. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is it so easy to write on here, and for magazines as an email contributor and for online companies as a freelancer but i can't face going in person and writing? I'm scared and i don't know why. And what's worrying me is that perfect jobs are passing me by left, right and centre. When/ If i go to this reunion i will have to bite my tongue- i can't tell them i'm too scared for people to see my work (Even thought i can't help asking myself why it's so easy to blog).
Worried. And scared.
Wednesday, 22 October 2008
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