I think there is something very very wrong with me. My Lohan obsession got worse (the dream i had two weeks ago was so bad i blush every time i think about it) since i wrote about it last time, but to be honest if i takes my mind of things then all the better i suppose. Two weeks ago in the same week my nana got seriously ill, my dad was made redundant (along with seven hundred other people. Fucking Capital One), i got fired from my freelance job and the worst thing ever happened; Steve broke up with me.
Breakups have never been easy for me. They are never easy when you are the type of person that tends to give one hundred per cent regardless of what they are getting back in return. I loveed him with all my heart and even now, two weeks today, it still feels like it happened yesterday. I miss him so much.
So what happens now? I have no idea. My whole life feels like it has been turned upside down. Whether its for better or for worse i don't know. It's too early to tell... but what i do know is that one chapter of my life has finished and another has begun.
The funny thing is that this seems clear to me in the day, yet when night falls i break apart all over again and want to fight to be with him. He didn't want me. I guess i can't really argue with that, but when i go to bed and lie in that big big bed all alone i start to think 'what if i did things like this?', 'what if i said this? will he come back?'. He's not coming back.... and that's probably the hardest thing to accept.
When i broke up with Dan i was really upset, but i managed to get over it quickly because i had the safety barrier of being in a different city. I would never see him out with a new lady, i would never see him out in the street. Slowly, Dan became the voice on the telephone when i needed a friend.. and i became strong again. Now this feels ten times worse... hence the lack of writing.
I don't know.... everything just feels crap at the moment. Fingers crossed i'll be okay soon. xx
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