Addiction

The cold December air whips my face as i stride out of work and down the street towards the bright lights of the shopping district. A few precious hours, then back to work. Another day, another dollar as they say. I try not to think about the long night ahead.

I push my hands further into my pockets and tense my arm muscles to protect myself from the cold, silently cursing myself for buying the black mac I’m wearing. True, it looks good, but does fuck all against the winter weather. As i move into the throngs to shoppers, it seems I’m not the only one who made the wrong clothing decision today; blue faces, red noses, deflated expressions.

Just one place i need to go and then i can go snuggle up in my mate’s bar and catch up with my friends. Nice warm hot chocolate and a squishy sofa to sink into. I think of getting off my feet as my eyes take in the bright lights of clothes shops, banks and cafe’s.

‘Hey baby...’, a velvet voice purrs softly into my ear.

The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end as i look around. One set of heels clicking against the floor. One shadow. But he’s right next to me.

“You’ve got four hours off. You know you’ve got time to have some fun with me. Doesn’t that sound just delicious?”

I shake my head quickly and try to concentrate on something else. A busker playing a harmonica and waving a neon yellow flag. A mother telling her child off for refusing to put her coat. A group of students chatting excitedly about what happened the night before.

Something. Anything.

His hand gently touches mine and caresses my fingers. “Come on gorgeous. Let’s go find something to make you feel better. You’ve had such a hard time lately. You deserve a little treat. A little pick me up.”

“No. I need to go to one place and then i’m going to see my friends. No detours. I don’t need anything.” I whisper to myself under my breath.

His arm slips around my waist and he pulls me closer. I can feel his warmth and it makes my heart burn and my skin crawl at the same time. He leans in and whispers again, his face so close to mine his breath makes my ear tingle. “Come with me baby. I want to go get you something to make you feel really sexy. You know you want to feel sexy. You know you want him to look at you and want you...” His hands run up my back slowly and gently “ You know you want him to touch you, and make you feel good. Don’t you baby?”

I look round in desperation at the shoppers passing by me. I look normal to them, a redheaded twentysomething on my way to meet someone or do something. A woman in control.

I plead with myself not to give in, to think of things that make me feel strong. I don’t need anything. I’m fine as i am, i think to myself.

He answers in a heartbeat. “No you’re not. There are a hundred things i can think of that you could buy right now. Things that will make you feel and look good.”

I focus on where i’m supposed to be going, but i can feel my direction veering. And then suddenly i’m turning direction, towards one of my favourite haunts. I beg my feet to turn around.They aren't listening.

“I said one place. Don’t change my mind.” I whisper again.

The arm around my waist begins to tighten, and i lose all control of direction. I couldn’t break free if i tried. Picking up pace, i stride towards the neon lights of the store. My plans fall away and i can’t seem to remember what i came into town for.

“Come on baby,”, the voice whispers into my ear. “Let me look after you. Don’t you want to feel good about yourself?”

“Yeah, i do” I silently answer, “but i can’t afford it.”

“What’s thirty quid here and there?”

“I need that money.”

“No you don’t baby.”

As i’m dragged into the store the bright lights on the ceiling hit me hard and i hold my hand up to shield my eyes. I’m too weak to turn back, too polite to ask for help. I’ve lost control of my body and my conscience stands inside myself screaming silently. I am powerless as i watch my arms begin to pick up dresses, and sweaters, fancy underwear and shoes. One side of my body begins to strain under the weight of the large basket i have found and have filled with worrying ease.

I can hear him controlling me with that velvet voice. “Oooh, you’ll look gorgeous in that.” “That’ll look great on your body”

My conscience deep inside is crying, caged by my body’s increasing desire for more things. I feel warm, and happy and alive, as i get my fix- totally unaware of the effects of what i'm doing. We’re laughing together, and flirting and truly connecting silently as other shoppers weave around us. I’ve turned into a different person; a robot, a puppet. He’s winning, and part of me is consumed with a new need for the new things in my overfilling basket.

And then i’m there. The cashier smiles and takes my card. The money burning a hole in my pocket grows cold and still. I’m in a daze as he silently carries me to the exit and i gasp as the cold air whips my face once more.

I feel so alone. A couple walks past hand in hand, chatting about their anniversary.

The velvet voice sounds calmer now. “See? Don’t you feel better?”

That warm feeling of desire has melted now, and a nauseating feeling of dread replaces it. What have i done? He brushes his hand against my face and without another word, disappears into the wind.

I stand, unable to move for what seems like an eternity. I’ve let everyone down again. Staring down at my feet i catch a glimpse of something shiny in my crisp new carrier bag. Something i don’t remember buying, don’t need and will probably wear once.

I think of that presence; that person; that voice, and at the same time loathe and miss him. I miss that crazy warmth that had so easily seeped into me minutes earlier.

My love. My hate. My addiction.