Last night was our staff night out....accompanied by the usual carnage/drunkeness and bad behaviour from myself as usual. Can't use the whole 'it seemed like a good idea at the time excuse', because, well it wasn't.
When the hell am i going to just let all these paranoid and scared feelings go? I had a conversation with a very good friend last night. A mutual friend of me and Steve. He told me he hasn't seen him this happy for a long time. And so settled with me. So why the hell can't i see it? I love Steve so so much, and yeah, it's only been like 10 months... but we get on so well and he makes me smile and laugh and insanely happy on a daily basis.
The paranoia gene is almost as distinctive in my sister and i as our similar loves, personalities and characteristics. Seeing our mum torn apart by heartbreak was enough to convince us that we should never trust a man again. But enough is enough. I'm sick of worrying i'm going to turn out like her; sad and unhappy because of what was done to her. I'm happy, have a great guy and it is really time i started to realise that. As well as realising i'm something that he might not want to throw away at a moment's notice.
I made breakfast for him this morning. A full english. I know it sounds silly but it's like getting a crash course in food. If he saw how little i eat when i'm not around him he would be horrified. But cooking in the kitchen was fun.... which was the first time i've enjoyed making food for ages. And the thankful look on his face when i brought it in for him was worth it all. He has no idea how happy he's making me, and i wish he could understand that's why i get so scared. I don't want to lose that, or him. Anyone that can help me love food, and help me to look in the mirror again is someone that really gets me. I have to realise, right now, that he on some degree or level likes (hopefully loves) me too. Every little glance, every little smile we share helps me get closer to that.
I'm trying. I really am.
Monday, 21 January 2008
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Am i fat????
The fat blues are back again...
Steve's joined a gym... and i've ended up feeling reeeeeely crap about myself now. I would love to join too but i'm just now sure if i can afford it you know? I'm already struggling with rent and RBS loan payments (p.s i hate you) so i'm not sure if i can afford it. On the other hand... it's £7.50 a week. Surely i spend much more than that on crap right? Plus i eat out too much, drink on waaaaaay too many occasions (as you can already see) so surely it would be a good idea right? If i went twice a week that would be really good value...hmm. So not sure.
It's not as though i'm really fat. I am exaggerating largely here. I haven't gained 150 pounds since my last post. I'm still a size 8 with great boobs..but i stil have my usual body hangups... usually centering around my arms. Those bastard arms.
Steve's currently in the kitchen cooking us breakfast. And i've just lost my appetite...
Steve's joined a gym... and i've ended up feeling reeeeeely crap about myself now. I would love to join too but i'm just now sure if i can afford it you know? I'm already struggling with rent and RBS loan payments (p.s i hate you) so i'm not sure if i can afford it. On the other hand... it's £7.50 a week. Surely i spend much more than that on crap right? Plus i eat out too much, drink on waaaaaay too many occasions (as you can already see) so surely it would be a good idea right? If i went twice a week that would be really good value...hmm. So not sure.
It's not as though i'm really fat. I am exaggerating largely here. I haven't gained 150 pounds since my last post. I'm still a size 8 with great boobs..but i stil have my usual body hangups... usually centering around my arms. Those bastard arms.
Steve's currently in the kitchen cooking us breakfast. And i've just lost my appetite...
Monday, 14 January 2008
Dilemma Number Eleven: The Lindsay Lohan dreams
First of all. I'm not gay. Not even a tiny bit. At least i don't think so?
But over the past week i've has several dreams where i've got up to some very random acts with none other than Lindsay Lohan. The first one was a few weeks ago when i dreamt that i was at a urban basement club (not The basement) with my housemate Michaela and Lindsay. Michaela and i had decided to leave early becuase we needed to get Gaz home as he was wasted, but as we got about halfway home we decided that we wanted to go back to the party and left Gaz in the middle of the road. Back at the club i met up with Linsday, and we had a very visual conversation about each other's boobs where we kept grabbing each others breasts in front of all our lad mates. Then the night passed in a whirl of events; me and Lindsay doing coke off a toilet seat (nb i am 100% drug free), us dancing and laughing and the high point of the night when she said i was gorgeous and could i help her sign some autographs?
So far, i have been swimming with Lindsay, partied with Lindsay and even kissed Lindsay a few times. Last night, fast asleep next to Steve, i dreamt i was a shy (but gorgeous) nurse assigned t Lindsay's bedside to look after her while she was in a coma. I read to her for weeks and finally she came round, thanking me again and again for helping her to come back to the real world and she must do something to repay me. She swore she would help me turn my back on my shy tendancies and turned me into the belle of the ball, through various trips to designer shops, hairdressers and through many druken nights on podiums at a few LA clubs.
I'm beginning to get worried. Steve however, thinks it's ace. I think he thinks i'm about to stumble upon the weird and wonderful world of bisexuality, which he wouldn't mind too much.
A strip club?? Well, it seemed like a great idea at the time
I'm beginning to think that drunk me is a person that should never ever be let out to play. Because bar a few precious nights out (i'm thinking Xmas eve and NYE here) i always tend to do something stupid/silly/mean/naughty/ embarrasing.
Example, last thursday. Ash's girly night out. I distinctly remember saying that day at work that i wasn't going to drink anything at all because i was low on money and really needed to pay my rent. Yet, very stupidly i got a £50 sub and went out that night ready for a large one. Big mistake. Ash works at Time, and like Turkey's at the Turkey she gets stupidly cheap drinks, cocktails and shots.... so for £10 we had about 8 cocktails, 2 beers, about 15 shots and a few drinks. I was hammered. But then, out of nowhere someone suggested we go to the Aviary and drunk me, the evil bitch that she is, said that would be a very good idea and we should go.
I knew it was a very bad idea te second we walked in. Men in suits drinking whisky on ice (cos that's oh-so-cool right?) and scantily clad girls everywhere. Now, i'm of the opinion that if you've got it, flaunt it. But if you happen to be a size 16, cellulite ridden lady wearing more make up than Pete Burns on a big night out then you might want to consider a different profession... some of the girls looked gorgeous (and i ended up spending my first tne minutes in the club hiding in the toilets worried i looked ugly), but some just looked horrendous. A fact that we couldn't hide and ended up in fts of giggles while watching some of the dancers. To which one stripper came over and not-so-polietly asked us if we were laughing at them. Ash managed to convince them that no, we weren't laughing in a mean way, we simply couldn't believe how great they all were. Crisis averted we thought, until the stripper then asked if we wanted a job!? Not good.
Hours later, drunk Rach was on her way home and fell out of the taxi, leaving sober Rach to find a lovely bruise on her bum and a stomach full of nasty alcohol... which all came back up the moment she arrived at work. Nice.
Moral of the story? Don't go to a strip club. And don't mix your drinks.
Example, last thursday. Ash's girly night out. I distinctly remember saying that day at work that i wasn't going to drink anything at all because i was low on money and really needed to pay my rent. Yet, very stupidly i got a £50 sub and went out that night ready for a large one. Big mistake. Ash works at Time, and like Turkey's at the Turkey she gets stupidly cheap drinks, cocktails and shots.... so for £10 we had about 8 cocktails, 2 beers, about 15 shots and a few drinks. I was hammered. But then, out of nowhere someone suggested we go to the Aviary and drunk me, the evil bitch that she is, said that would be a very good idea and we should go.
I knew it was a very bad idea te second we walked in. Men in suits drinking whisky on ice (cos that's oh-so-cool right?) and scantily clad girls everywhere. Now, i'm of the opinion that if you've got it, flaunt it. But if you happen to be a size 16, cellulite ridden lady wearing more make up than Pete Burns on a big night out then you might want to consider a different profession... some of the girls looked gorgeous (and i ended up spending my first tne minutes in the club hiding in the toilets worried i looked ugly), but some just looked horrendous. A fact that we couldn't hide and ended up in fts of giggles while watching some of the dancers. To which one stripper came over and not-so-polietly asked us if we were laughing at them. Ash managed to convince them that no, we weren't laughing in a mean way, we simply couldn't believe how great they all were. Crisis averted we thought, until the stripper then asked if we wanted a job!? Not good.
Hours later, drunk Rach was on her way home and fell out of the taxi, leaving sober Rach to find a lovely bruise on her bum and a stomach full of nasty alcohol... which all came back up the moment she arrived at work. Nice.
Moral of the story? Don't go to a strip club. And don't mix your drinks.
My first interview of the year- at a french magazine (Mon Dieu!)
In line with my new years resolution to get off my pretty little backside and find a job, i have managed to secure my first interview. And it's a nailbiter! Fingers crossed though the ginger one will be as cool as a cucumber and ace it.
In other news, i am currently setting up a sister blog to 'It seemed like a good idea at the time', which will showcase all my best written work so far, from 69 Magazine to newspaper work and fictional peices.
In other news, i am currently setting up a sister blog to 'It seemed like a good idea at the time', which will showcase all my best written work so far, from 69 Magazine to newspaper work and fictional peices.
Tuesday, 1 January 2008
What happened to Christmas?!
It's the 1st Jan.....
The 1st Jan?! I don't get it.... it only seems like yesterday i was stressing out about the coming xmas months at work, when the hell i was going to find time to buy presents and what the hell i was going to do for NYE.... and here i am, on the other side facing a brand spanking new year and i'm totally not ready for it!
On the bright side, having such a busy december and no time to thinking about how potentially upsetting christmas could be was a godsend. Years ago when i was younger and at school, my family and i used to the do the same yuletide song-and-dance divorced kids all around the world have to endure. Which parent has the kids for christmas day, who has them for boxing day, who gets to take them to the january sales blah blah blah blah.....it used to break my heart (and my sisters for that matter) to think that while we were opening presents and stuffing ourselves with turkey, pigs in blankets (or angels on horseback??- fuck it, it's all the same...) the set of parents that didn't have us on the day would be sat at home with nothing to do. And then come boxing day we'd march out the door leaving a path of destruction and bits of sellotape all over the floor and another set of parents planning how to spend the day in a suddenly oh-so-quiet house.
A couple of years ago my mum decided she'd had enough of this and decided to strategically plan her holidays so that she would be safely abroad during christmas day, thereby avoiding any potential moments of sadness and at the same time avoiding the bitters winters that she loathed. I guess it worked in a way beacuse Emma and i didn't have to do the song and dance anymore.... but it meant that we never saw our mum during December. Mum was in Sri Lanka on the day of the tsunami a couple of years ago... now that was a fucking great xmas. Spending your boxing day wondering whether your mum is dead and if we should go pick up her dogs from the kennels is not my idea of festive fun (although it was slightly amusing when she phoned sometime that evening and started the conversation with "Guess what? I'm not dead!").
Anyway, this December has been such a whirlwind ride that i haven't had chance to worry about all that... sort of. The days running up to Christmas were a combination of long laborious days at work making endless batches of homemade mulled wine, hurried christmas present shopping (mostly for Steve's presents... i was TERRIFIED he'd hate his presents) and catching a bit of sleep here and there.
Xmas eve... hilarious. Me and Steve worked the day shift and then pretty much just stayed in the bar and drank and drank and drank. Then we managed to drunkenly help with the clean down, throw mouldy fruit at the flats opposite (they so deserve it... trust me) and then throw cream cakes at passing cars. When steve and i got back to his house he thought it would be nice to give his car a xmas hug, and then we rushed inside and put our hats and scarves in the sink (?), before finishing the night off with a play fight- where he accidentally headbutted me and i accidentally split his lip. Now that's love people.
Xmas day... not as stressful as i thought. Pretty chilled out... until we found out that my mum's plan to be very-much-abroad for xmas had gone badly wrong. She'd been admitted to hospital on the day she was supposed to go and she was so ill doctors told her there was no way she could fly so they had cancel the holiday. What's worse is that my mum didn't tell us because she 'didn't want to bother us'..... argh. So we rushed over on boxing day, me driving my dad's car just like the good old days. The night was filled with me crying back at my house on the narb... my house mates trying to figure out why my life is always so dramatic, me eating loads of cheese and crackers and then throwing it all up at three in the morning.. fun!
New years eve... well i had to work so it was pretty shitty... but still quite fun. But i still can't believe it's January now. I remember new years eve 1999/2000- we brought the new year in dancing on our driveway with sparklers and fireworks. So long ago.
So now down to business.... new years resolutions. I sincerely hope that there's someone ou here who still believe in doing this because i've asked around and noone seems to have thought of anything. I still see New Years as chance to start afresh and sort myself out. This year, i've decided on four:
1... get a bloody job. By NYE 2008 i want to be in a job where i'm not having to save every single penny for bills, and where i'm actually getting paid to write.
2...write more. Wherever, whenever.
3... stop the paranoia and worrying. This is avery important one because i've been battling this for way way too long now and i'm sick and tired of my life flying past while i worry and obsess that something may go wrong. I have a good life, great friends and great boyfriend. No, they're not going to all leave. Nom they're not all out to hurt me. No, they're not all out to steal Steve. No, Steve isn't just going to up and leave. No, Steve isn't going to fall into bed with someone else. You get the idea.
4...buy a car. Now this one cannot work without number one and better money management, but it's good to aim high right?
Anyway guys, happy new year and big big love to all.
Ray xxxxxx
The 1st Jan?! I don't get it.... it only seems like yesterday i was stressing out about the coming xmas months at work, when the hell i was going to find time to buy presents and what the hell i was going to do for NYE.... and here i am, on the other side facing a brand spanking new year and i'm totally not ready for it!
On the bright side, having such a busy december and no time to thinking about how potentially upsetting christmas could be was a godsend. Years ago when i was younger and at school, my family and i used to the do the same yuletide song-and-dance divorced kids all around the world have to endure. Which parent has the kids for christmas day, who has them for boxing day, who gets to take them to the january sales blah blah blah blah.....it used to break my heart (and my sisters for that matter) to think that while we were opening presents and stuffing ourselves with turkey, pigs in blankets (or angels on horseback??- fuck it, it's all the same...) the set of parents that didn't have us on the day would be sat at home with nothing to do. And then come boxing day we'd march out the door leaving a path of destruction and bits of sellotape all over the floor and another set of parents planning how to spend the day in a suddenly oh-so-quiet house.
A couple of years ago my mum decided she'd had enough of this and decided to strategically plan her holidays so that she would be safely abroad during christmas day, thereby avoiding any potential moments of sadness and at the same time avoiding the bitters winters that she loathed. I guess it worked in a way beacuse Emma and i didn't have to do the song and dance anymore.... but it meant that we never saw our mum during December. Mum was in Sri Lanka on the day of the tsunami a couple of years ago... now that was a fucking great xmas. Spending your boxing day wondering whether your mum is dead and if we should go pick up her dogs from the kennels is not my idea of festive fun (although it was slightly amusing when she phoned sometime that evening and started the conversation with "Guess what? I'm not dead!").
Anyway, this December has been such a whirlwind ride that i haven't had chance to worry about all that... sort of. The days running up to Christmas were a combination of long laborious days at work making endless batches of homemade mulled wine, hurried christmas present shopping (mostly for Steve's presents... i was TERRIFIED he'd hate his presents) and catching a bit of sleep here and there.
Xmas eve... hilarious. Me and Steve worked the day shift and then pretty much just stayed in the bar and drank and drank and drank. Then we managed to drunkenly help with the clean down, throw mouldy fruit at the flats opposite (they so deserve it... trust me) and then throw cream cakes at passing cars. When steve and i got back to his house he thought it would be nice to give his car a xmas hug, and then we rushed inside and put our hats and scarves in the sink (?), before finishing the night off with a play fight- where he accidentally headbutted me and i accidentally split his lip. Now that's love people.
Xmas day... not as stressful as i thought. Pretty chilled out... until we found out that my mum's plan to be very-much-abroad for xmas had gone badly wrong. She'd been admitted to hospital on the day she was supposed to go and she was so ill doctors told her there was no way she could fly so they had cancel the holiday. What's worse is that my mum didn't tell us because she 'didn't want to bother us'..... argh. So we rushed over on boxing day, me driving my dad's car just like the good old days. The night was filled with me crying back at my house on the narb... my house mates trying to figure out why my life is always so dramatic, me eating loads of cheese and crackers and then throwing it all up at three in the morning.. fun!
New years eve... well i had to work so it was pretty shitty... but still quite fun. But i still can't believe it's January now. I remember new years eve 1999/2000- we brought the new year in dancing on our driveway with sparklers and fireworks. So long ago.
So now down to business.... new years resolutions. I sincerely hope that there's someone ou here who still believe in doing this because i've asked around and noone seems to have thought of anything. I still see New Years as chance to start afresh and sort myself out. This year, i've decided on four:
1... get a bloody job. By NYE 2008 i want to be in a job where i'm not having to save every single penny for bills, and where i'm actually getting paid to write.
2...write more. Wherever, whenever.
3... stop the paranoia and worrying. This is avery important one because i've been battling this for way way too long now and i'm sick and tired of my life flying past while i worry and obsess that something may go wrong. I have a good life, great friends and great boyfriend. No, they're not going to all leave. Nom they're not all out to hurt me. No, they're not all out to steal Steve. No, Steve isn't just going to up and leave. No, Steve isn't going to fall into bed with someone else. You get the idea.
4...buy a car. Now this one cannot work without number one and better money management, but it's good to aim high right?
Anyway guys, happy new year and big big love to all.
Ray xxxxxx
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