Let it go Rach.... just let it go.

Last night was our staff night out....accompanied by the usual carnage/drunkeness and bad behaviour from myself as usual. Can't use the whole 'it seemed like a good idea at the time excuse', because, well it wasn't.

When the hell am i going to just let all these paranoid and scared feelings go? I had a conversation with a very good friend last night. A mutual friend of me and Steve. He told me he hasn't seen him this happy for a long time. And so settled with me. So why the hell can't i see it? I love Steve so so much, and yeah, it's only been like 10 months... but we get on so well and he makes me smile and laugh and insanely happy on a daily basis.

The paranoia gene is almost as distinctive in my sister and i as our similar loves, personalities and characteristics. Seeing our mum torn apart by heartbreak was enough to convince us that we should never trust a man again. But enough is enough. I'm sick of worrying i'm going to turn out like her; sad and unhappy because of what was done to her. I'm happy, have a great guy and it is really time i started to realise that. As well as realising i'm something that he might not want to throw away at a moment's notice.

I made breakfast for him this morning. A full english. I know it sounds silly but it's like getting a crash course in food. If he saw how little i eat when i'm not around him he would be horrified. But cooking in the kitchen was fun.... which was the first time i've enjoyed making food for ages. And the thankful look on his face when i brought it in for him was worth it all. He has no idea how happy he's making me, and i wish he could understand that's why i get so scared. I don't want to lose that, or him. Anyone that can help me love food, and help me to look in the mirror again is someone that really gets me. I have to realise, right now, that he on some degree or level likes (hopefully loves) me too. Every little glance, every little smile we share helps me get closer to that.

I'm trying. I really am.